The Default Parent – Understanding the Invisible Load

The Default Parent – Understanding the Invisible Load

May can be a beautiful month—filled with blooming flowers, school-year wrap-ups, and the promise of summer. But for many parents, it’s also packed with field trips, teacher appreciation weeks, graduation parties, and the unspoken job of keeping everything afloat.

If you’ve ever felt like the one who knows what size shoes your kids wear, when their last dentist appointment was, what time the next birthday party starts, and who needs to bring snack day on Friday... you might be the default parent.

Let’s talk about what that means, how it affects your mental and emotional load, and how to create more balance and support in your parenting life.

What Is the “Default Parent”?

The “default parent” is the one who handles most of the behind-the-scenes work of raising children and managing a household. This can include:

• Scheduling doctor appointments
• Knowing when homework is due
• Managing school emails and paperwork
• Handling emotional upsets and meltdowns
• Packing lunches and remembering spirit days
• Planning holidays, family birthdays, and babysitter arrangements
• Being the go-to when kids are sick, scared, or sad

Even in households where both parents are loving and involved, one often takes on more of the invisible load. This role can fall to either parent, but it’s most commonly experienced by moms—especially in households where traditional gender roles are still playing a quiet part.

Why Is This a Problem?

Being the default parent isn’t necessarily a problem because one parent is more capable. The issue lies in imbalance, burnout, and emotional fatigue.

Many default parents don’t even realize how much they’re carrying until they’re completely overwhelmed. Others feel guilty asking for help, or assume it’s “just part of the job.”

But constantly being the one in charge of everything can lead to:

• Resentment: You may feel frustrated that your partner doesn’t seem to notice how much you’re doing.
• Exhaustion: Managing the physical and emotional labor of parenting 24/7 is draining.
• Mental overload: You’re juggling a constant stream of thoughts—who needs new shoes, when the dog’s vet visit is, what to bring for the bake sale.
• Lack of identity: You may begin to feel like you’ve disappeared behind the needs of your family.

Sound familiar? You’re not alone—and you’re not failing. You’re doing the work of many, often quietly.

A Real-Life Example

Let’s meet Janel, a working mom of two who says her partner is “helpful,” but she still feels like she’s the one managing everything. Her husband will gladly clean up after dinner, but she’s the one who meal plans, grocery shops, preps lunches, and remembers to sign the permission slips.

One day, Janel forgot her child’s piano recital time and felt awful. But what struck her most was that no one else even knew it was happening. She realized she wasn’t just dropping a ball—she was juggling all of them.

This is the silent, unseen work of the default parent.

How the Default Parent Role Is Formed

Most of the time, this role forms slowly over time without discussion or intention. It’s shaped by:

• Personality: One parent may naturally be more organized or proactive.
• Upbringing: We often mimic what we saw growing up—whether that means replicating or rejecting it.
• Work schedules: Sometimes one parent has more flexibility and ends up taking on more responsibilities at home.
• Assumptions and gender norms: Even in modern households, old habits and expectations linger.

Signs You Might Be the Default Parent

If you’re not sure whether this describes you, consider the following signs:

• You’re the one schools, doctors, and other parents call by default.
• Your partner asks, “What do the kids have going on this week?” instead of already knowing.
• You’re constantly mentally tracking everyone’s schedules, moods, and needs.
• You feel a strong sense of guilt or failure when something gets missed.
• You don’t have regular time to yourself without coordinating everything first.
• You’ve said, “It’s just easier if I do it myself.”

If you're nodding your head, you're probably carrying more than your share—and it's okay to acknowledge that.

Why Mental Load Matters

The “mental load” or “invisible labor” of parenting isn’t just about doing tasks—it’s about being the one who remembers and manages them. It’s the reason so many parents feel tired even when everything looks fine on the outside.

And during Mental Health Awareness Month, it's especially important to talk about how the invisible mental load impacts:

• Anxiety levels
• Sleep quality
• Emotional availability
• Self-worth and identity

Naming the load is the first step toward lightening it.

Shifting the Balance: Practical Tools for Default Parents

So what can you do if you’re carrying the majority of the parenting load?

Here are some practical tools to help:

• Have a “Team Talk” with Your Partner

Sometimes, partners aren’t fully aware of how much one parent is doing—because it’s all happening behind the scenes. Try saying something like: “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately and I realize I’m carrying a lot of the family logistics. Can we look at ways to divide things more evenly?” This isn’t about blaming—it’s about working as a team.

• Create a Visible Family Calendar

Get a shared app (like Cozi or Google Calendar) or a large dry-erase wall calendar so everyone can see what’s coming up. This helps reduce mental juggling and makes responsibilities more visible.

• Delegate Without Micromanaging

If your partner takes on a task, let them do it their way—even if it’s not how you would do it. Releasing control is hard but necessary. Kids won’t remember how the birthday present was wrapped—just that they brought one.

• Assign Ownership, Not Just Tasks

Instead of asking for help randomly, try assigning full “domains.” For example:

● Your partner handles all doctor and dentist appointments.

● You handle school communications.

● One of you is in charge of summer camp planning.

Ownership increases follow-through and clarity.

• Build in Breaks—Without Guilt

It’s okay to schedule time that’s just for you, even if that means asking someone else to handle the bedtime routine or Saturday soccer practice. Time to rest and recharge helps you show up better for your family.

• Model Emotional Honesty

If your kids see you say, “I’m feeling tired today, and I need a break,” they learn that taking care of yourself is healthy—not selfish. That’s a life skill worth teaching.

• Connect with Other Default Parents

You’re not the only one doing this work. Find a supportive friend, neighbor, or online group where you can vent, laugh, and swap tips. Sometimes just hearing “me too” is a lifeline.

• Celebrate the Wins

Write down a few things you handled today that no one else saw:

● Scheduled a well-child check

● Packed snacks

● Bought the birthday gift

● Calmed a meltdown

● Texted the teacher

Your work matters—even if no one else notices in the moment.

A New Perspective on Parenthood

Being the default parent is a heavy role—but it’s also a powerful one. You’re the glue. The planner. The feeler. The steady hand when everything is chaotic.

But you don’t have to do it alone, and you don’t have to carry more than your share. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means you’re wise. You're modeling boundaries, partnership, and self-care for your children.

This month, let’s challenge the idea that “doing it all” is the goal. Let’s aim for balance, honesty, and shared responsibility.

A Reminder As May Unfold

This season brings final school projects, early summer planning, and maybe a little chaos. It also brings growth. Possibility. Fresh starts.

So whether you’re the default parent by choice or circumstance, take a moment to honor all you do—and give yourself permission to ask for more support, more rest, and more joy.

You deserve it. And your family does too.

Katlyn Gotschall, LCPC

Katlyn is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) and the founder of Apricity Counseling LLC. With a bachelor’s degree in Human Services and a master’s in Clinical Rehabilitation and Mental Health Counseling, Katlyn brings nearly eight years of experience in mental health settings to her practice.

Katlyn is dedicated to helping clients navigate stress, anxiety, grief, depression, and life transitions. She also supports individuals facing trauma, postpartum challenges, self-esteem concerns, and compassion fatigue. Inspired by the meaning of "apricity"—the warmth of the sun on a winter day—her practice reflects her commitment to providing a safe, welcoming environment for healing and growth.

Currently offering telehealth services with a sliding scale and most insurances accepted, Katlyn looks forward to expanding to in-person care in the future. She also integrates Christian-based therapy when appropriate, tailoring her approach to meet the unique needs of each client.

Outside of her career, Katlyn cherishes her roles as a wife and mother. She enjoys traveling, engaging with her community, and savoring her favorite obsession—coffee. Guided by the words of John A. Shedd, "A ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for," Katlyn believes therapy isn’t easy, but it's a tool provided to make challenges feel less lonely.